The ramblings of that mental girl.

I have this memory of riding my first bike around my old school playground with my mum and nan watching.  I think I was about 5.
It's one of those moments that you look back on and feel something twinge inside.  I get this cold, uncomfortable, stomach-lurching feeling.  I don't know why I get it, I don't know if it's because I felt like it at the time, or because it's how that memory affects me now.  What I do know is that it's one of the few times I've felt utterly free.  Maybe that's why I get a horrible feeling when I think of it, because I'm such a mess now.  No, it's more than that.  I'm sure there was this horrendously empty feeling I felt at the time.  I remember this grey playground, grey sky, grey buildings.  Everything was grey.  My mind was grey, my soul was grey... there was this sinister feeling; or at least I get that now but it feels like a deja vu thing.

I don't know why I'm obsessing over this so much, it's just a memory that's been in my head all day since starting to feel absolutely awful again.  I guess I've got the same feeling going on at the moment.  I don't know why.  I never know why. 

I feel so dead.  I'm just hollow.  I'm looking around and things are just there.  They mean nothing.  I can just stare at things, take a photo in my head, and that's that.  Nothing means anything and I'm not supposed to be here.

I think I'm glad I don't have more energy and guts, otherwise I would be ending things right now.

Today marks a new start in terms of weight loss I suppose.
Recently I've been eating so much crap.  I've been going away to look at Universities with my best friend.  She's size 6, and can eat anything she wants.  She never puts on weight.  We had been eating out every night as there wasn't any way of cooking for ourselves etc.  And in the day it was easiest to snack on bread and pastry and whatever.
I've been so bloated.
Today though, after trying on clothes yesterday and feeling physically sick at the sight of myself, I started again and I'm so so desperate to stick to it instead of falling apart like last time, despite the boredom-induced-eating that normally occurs because of how shitty work is.
All I do there is the odd bit of paperwork and it's so boring I just end up binging as a comfort thing and because it's something to do.

Today I've had:

8am:  Bran Flakes
11am:  Slim Fast
2pm: Slim Fast
5.30pm: Beans on Toast

Have had two diet pills as well, which contain green tea, chromium and cayenne pepper.

Have also had 2 small cups of coffee and a cup of Earl Grey.

I should have exercised but I'm exhausted and stressed and miserable, mainly because of this stupid Uni decision business.  :( :( :(

I am so disgusted in myself for being so fat.

I'm 130 and I want to be 100.

30lbs to go, and it's going to take fucking AGES.

:'(